Waiting
by QrYx
Summary: *complete* Final Chapter. What happens in the end? A song fic. Warning, Slash = M/M relationship!! Angst!!
1. Waiting

Pairing: HP/SS

Rating: R

Warning: Slash, angst, M/M, Songfic

Disclaimer: All characters from Harry Potter belong to JK Rowling and Warner Brothers. I'm just an obsessed maniac who is also an insomniac thanks to the voices in her head. I don't own the song nor the lyrics either. I'm not looking to make money out of this and am just slaying the bunnies that are multiplying in my brain. Trust me, if you try to sue me, it won't get you any money cos I'm dirt broke already!

Archived: ask please

Feedback: Desperately needed…

A/N: My very first HP/SS and my very first bunny ever. So, please, let me know what you think. I heard this song when I was driving one day and the bunny just grew from there. The song is called Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone, sung by Al Green. I'd advice you to listen to the song while reading if possible… it's a great song. Thanks to my great beta's Linda and Lillian. I'm thinking of doing a sequel, maybe, if this gets a good reception. Let me know if you all want a sequel to this. It'll probably be Harry's POV to the song In Demand by Texas. Yes, the song where Alan Rickman dances the Tango. Sigh… Drool… Enjoy the fic, and please, I'd really appreciate some feedback.

/_Blah blah/ means Italics_

/Ain't no sunshine when she's gone  
It's not warm when she's away  
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone  
and she's always gone too long  
Anytime she goes away 

Wonder this time where she's gone  
Wonder if she's gonna stay  
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone  
and this house just ain't no home  
anytime she goes away 

And I know, I know... 

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone  
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone  
Only darkness everyday  
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone  
and this house just ain't no home  
anytime she goes away/ 

'Click'

The faint noise was heard just after the chimes of the great grandfather clock stopped on its fifth chime. The fireplace is lit and it flames softly lick the hearth as it casts its soft glow, the only illumination. Two wingback chairs slightly facing each other face the fire, separated by an antique dark wood coffee table, with stylized snarling dragons as table legs. Softly, the strains of an old muggle song permeate the senses, echoing throughout the empty dungeon rooms.

However, a small movement from the enveloping shadows of one of the chairs disproves the emptiness of the rooms after all. A closer look shows the occupant of the chair, Severus Snape, Potions Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Sitting in his favorite chair, Severus clutches his snifter of brandy loosely, staring into the fire and refusing to look at the chair facing him. The /_empty/ _chair. As the music starts playing and the voice of the male singer starts crooning, Severus sighs deeply and lifts his hand to wave the magical radio alarm clock off. Not that Severus Snape needs and alarm clock though. Oh no, the alarm clock belongs to _him_. And he forgot to turn the blasted thing off before……

The man stops his line of thought just as abruptly as his wand hand stops mid wave when the words to the song hit him. Against his better instincts, which scream at him to stop this foolishness, he allows his wrist to flop limply while he listens to the song and does what he has been doing the whole night, brood.

_/Ain't no sunshine when she's gone/_

Ahhh, yes... unfortunately the words of the muggle song rang true. For someone who had been living in the dungeons for most of his life, one would think that he'd abhor sunshine or at least avoid it whenever possible. Especially someone with his sensitive skin. But no, contrary creature that he is, he blames it all on the boy. Well, no longer a boy. But he will forever be a boy to him. No, not a boy, /_the boy/_. There's a difference. Damnation, why did he have to become so melancholy? When the hell did he become a doddering sentimental old fool, sitting up at till all hours of the night, listening to bloody muggle blues and brooding over his twenty years younger lover. How on earth did that irritating, annoying Harry Potter manage to turn his life upside down in just two years? He had managed to live his life perfectly fine without needing, no, craving anybody's company. So why now, when he'd reach the ripe old age of forty, did he need the presence of the Boy-Who-Lived to feel alive again?

_/It's not warm when she's away/_

Shivering slightly in the cool dungeon air, he shifted closely to the fire. Who would have ever thought that Harry Potter would mean so much to Severus Snape? Mean so much that his very absence acted like a vacuum. As if the empty space that he wasn't around to occupy turned into negative space, drawing in and draining every ounce of light and warmth available in the room. 

_/Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, _

_And she's always gone to long, _

_Everytime she goes away, / _

Heaving a deep sigh, Severus stared deep into the flickering flames and saw images of his beloved and himself, together, happy, whole…/_complete/_… And then, as if to suit his bitter mood, the memories turned to those he'd rather forget. Memories of other times like this when he kept silent, lonely vigils all night long. For far too many nights to count. Sitting here in the same chair, cupping the same snifter, staring into the fire and waiting, just… waiting… The time he was gone is never the same. However, if Harry wasn't back by the next day, then it would be safe to say he would be gone for a week at the least. Especially if it was for a mission. He never complained but he felt the absence and the time passing as if each second was carved onto his flesh. And it was. The harsh heat of the fire was burnt into the lines of his face and the supple leather of the chair left it's marks on his back. But he never complained about the time apart. At least never aloud. 

_/Wonder this time where she's gone,/ _

Since he was retired, Severus was supposed to be using the free time to research his potions and actually be able to revel in the joy of brewing. Unfortunately, all his free time was spent with Harry, whenever he was around and available of course. Not like those times were numerous. Oh no, and Harry always had to run of somewhere to help this person or to solve that problem or to go on another mission. Bloody Gryffindor! And he, well technically he was supposed to welcome this alone time to be able to brew and read. It was not to be however. No book would ever manage to captivate him long enough to draw his thoughts away from his beloved. No potion was intricate enough to pull his distracted mind into some semblance of order. Instead, he sat, brooded, remembered, and most importantly, he waited. Refusing to look at anything in the room that might remind him that Harry was gone. Not wanting to turn around and start to speak an amusing thought only to realize that Harry wasn't there to hear it. And so, he spent his time trying to distract himself by thinking up scenarios of where Harry could be. Of what Harry was thinking and doing. Of whether Harry ate, if he slept, if he had time to bathe or even time to clean between his toes. 

_/Wonder if she's gonna stay,/ _

Of course, thinking along these lines seldom led to a positive outcome. Instead, his thoughts would traitorously wander to musings of whether Harry had left because he grew bored. Did he finally find out what an ogre Severus was? Was Harry fed up with him because he refused to play exploding snap with Black? Or did Harry finally wise up to the fact that he deserved far better then a greasy, cynical, washed up old potions professor and decided to explore his options. What if Harry was right now under some handsome, young Quidditch player, making those delicious noises he makes while coming? Did the player know how those noises taste as they roll from Harry's mouth into his? Did he know how Harry would writhe and moan and _beg if you just touch him behind his left knee? _

_/Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, _

_And this house just ain't a home, _

_Anytime she goes away/, _

Enough. Thoughts like these do nothing but drive him deeper into depression. Instead of wallowing, Severus forced himself to look around the room, taking stock of his surroundings for the first time since Harry left six days ago. His Quidditch robes were still hung on the peg by the door. However, they looked like an empty husk, much like a caterpillars cocoon, left behind on the leaf to rot and fall away while the butterfly flits around in its new form. Shuddering slightly at the unpleasant analogy, Severus continued his perusal of his, no, /_their/_, quarters. Papers were strewn on the table, messily placed into something resembling piles while empty dishes and cups lay unwashed near the sink. The house elves knew better then to disturb him while he was in this mood. Much trial and suffering leading to Dobby being cursed ensured they knew he would be in this mood whenever Harry was not around. Sometimes though, they still popped into the room periodically and quietly observed him, making sure he was still alive and in passable health. No doubt Harry had ordered them to look after him. Everything just felt so empty though, so… bereft… as if without Harry, everything seemed to not function. How on Merlin's great cauldron did the brat make his dungeons more Harry's then his? 

_/I know, I know, I know, I know, _

_I know, I know, I know, I know, _

_I know, I know, I know, I know.../ _

I know the bloody brat is the savior of the wizarding world. I know he's Harry Potter. I know he'd the Boy-Who-Lived. I know he is the Heir of Gryffindor. I know he's the Man-Who-Killed-He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I know he won't stand by and see people get hurt. I know he puts others before himself. I know his heart won't allow him to say no to any of the ragamuffin group of people he calls friends. I know he is too honorable, too valiant, too bloody Gryffindor to sit back and rest on his laurels while the world around us gets back onto their feet. I know all of this. I know what he represents and all his responsibilities and how seriously he takes them. I know /_him/_ and I know he will never leave me unless he sees it as he has to. I know… I /_know/_. 

_/Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, _

_Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, _

_Only darkness everyday, _

_Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, _

_And this house just ain't a home, _

_Everytime she goes away./ _

Yes, I know all of that. I also know how I feel every time he leaves. How my heart cracks when I sit here alone, wondering if he will ever return. Worrying if he is hurt or injured somewhere and only I have the potions needed to heal him. I know how I curse the day I joined Voldemort's ranks. But then again, if it wasn't the sight of me being tortured and cursed repeatedly by Voldemort, Harry might never have found the anger to be able to unleash the power that enabled him to kill Voldemort for good. I only regret the loss of the use of my legs because it meant I would never be able to follow him. It meant I would be stuck here, waiting. Waiting… waiting… 


	2. In Demand

Pairing: HP/SS

Rating: R 

Warning: Slash, angst, M/M, Songfic

Disclaimer: All characters from Harry Potter belong to JK Rowling and Warner Brothers. I'm just an obsessed maniac who is also an insomniac thanks to the voices in her head. I don't own the song or the lyrics either. I'm not looking to make money out of this and am just slaying the bunnies that are multiplying in my brain. Trust me, if you try to sue me, it won't get you any money cos I'm dirt broke already! 

Archived: ask please 

Feedback: Desperately needed… 

A/N: Hi, I watched the video of this song for the first time and totally fell in love. I mean I liked Alan Rickman in the HP movies just cos I liked the Severus Snape character but after the song, sigh… I knew I had to write a song fic about it and the words and music drew me in right away. Initially I had some problems reconciling the lyrics themselves with the music video but I hope I finally managed to do them both justice. This is a continuation or rather the sequel to the fic I wrote called Waiting. This is Harry's POV. I'm considering doing a third and possibly final chapter but haven't found the right song for it yet. If anyone has suggestions, let me know. I want to say thanks for all the reviews I've gotten. I'm horrible with names and have horrendous memory so, I'm sorry if I'm not giving individual shout-outs here. However, I do want to thank my lovely beta's Linda and Lillian as well as Drusilla Dax who helped me and counseled me throughout this fic as well as test read it for me. If not for their encouragement, I don't think I'd have this finished and posted. I really hope you all enjoy this and please, review and let me know what you all think! 

/_Blah blah/ means Italics_

The roar of the midnight black Nissan 350Z coupe was slightly muted by the soft sounds emitted by the radio. It was around 2 in the morning and Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, the Man-Who-Killed was driving down Route 66, deep in thought. He drove the car the muggle way, not bothering to enchant the automobile but instead preferring to control the power of the machine manually. His thoughts though were not fully on the nearly deserted stretch of highway but far away and way back in the past. 

He had just finished wrapping up a mission. It was a collaborated effort between the American and British Ministry of Magic, to bag and extradite several known Death Eaters who had run to America attempting to regroup and start their reign of terror anew. As usual, Harry and his group of personally trained Unspeakables had managed to foil their plans and all of them had been safely apprehended and transported to a Dementorless Azkaban. Now, Harry was taking a few days off before returning to England and to…. /_him/._

_/He/ was the reason behind why Harry always volunteered for long missions, especially if they were far away. /_He/_ was the reason why Harry always took off a few days after a mission before returning home. The only problem was Harry didn't know why he was so reluctant to return to /__his/ arms. In fact, he didn't even know if he still loved Severus Snape or not. And so, this time around, Harry had vowed that before he went home, he would sort out all these wayward feelings he had and figure out what was the problem. As a result, the savior of the wizarding world was currently driving over the speed limit on a nearly deserted highway in Muggle America. _

Idly listening to the music playing on the radio, tuning in and out as his thoughts undulated aimlessly, Harry's interest was caught as the song In Demand by Texas began to play. Remembering the song as one he had heard a few years ago and had captivated him, he listened carefully, focusing on the lyrics. __

_/When we were together I was blown away,_

_Just like paper from a fan /_

The opening words of the song brought him to the crux of his problem, his relationship. Thinking back, he remembered when he and Sev had started. How Sev always managed to make him forget everything to lose himself in Sev's arms. That was one of the main reasons why he loved the man so. He was Harry's port in the storm, the rock that tied him to reality back when times were bad, when Voldemort was still around torturing and killing friends and family, threatening his very existence. Back then, his nightmares were hourly and not only confined to the night. The only way he had been able to get any rest at all was in Sev's arms. 

_  
/ But you would act like I was just a kid/_

And yet, with all the fighting and training that was going on, even as he leaned on Sev and Sev depended on him, as they watched each other's back. He knew, even then that to Sev, he was just a scared little kid who had to be coddled and looked after. Can't have the savior of the wizarding world snapping from the pressure now can you? It troubled him then that Sev couldn't, wouldn't trust him. Sev and Dumbledore withheld so many facts from him. So many things he had repeatedly asked. Maybe they were afraid he couldn't handle the truth or that if he were captured he might break? Whatever the case, it still hurt and stung. 

_/Like we were never gonna last/_

Though it all, the two years of fighting, Harry knew deep down Sev expected, no wanted, craved to die. Everything Sev did he did with a sense of finality hanging about it. Every time they had made love, it was as if it was the last time. Sev fully expected to die when Voldemort found out he was a spy. The only reason Sev gave in and allowed Harry to sleep with him was because he thought that he would die soon. Kind of like a last meal, only this time it was a last fling. But, as Harry's life usually went, it didn't work out that way. Instead, Harry was present when Sev's treachery was discovered and when old Voldie tortured Sev, his lover, his _/heart_/, Harry couldn't stand it and lost control of his magic, the resulting blast finally killed Voldemort. 

To this day, he still wondered, was still afraid, of whether Sev was angry with him for not allowing Voldemort to kill him. If he was angry that his precious death that he had been waiting for all this while was stolen from him by Harry. All Sev did nowadays was sit in his chair and mope. Staring at the fire, refusing to do anything hardly ever brewing his precious potions, hardly eating. Whether Sev was depressed from the loss of his legs or if he was brooding out ways to find death, Harry didn't know. He knew though that Sev would not stoop to killing himself. Oh no, he would goad someone to kill him yes, but to actually commit suicide, no way. Even knowing this though, Harry still had to bribe several House Elves to periodically check in on Sev, making sure he was all right. It was only when Harry was present that the ennui that enveloped the man seemed to recede. Not disappear, no, never disappear, just recede slightly, allowing him to see glimpses of the old Sev. The snarky, nasty and always sarcastic Professor Snape, not this shell of a man. It was tiring to always have to coax a smile, or even a word from the man. It was as if Sev had given up on himself and on Harry. Was it even worth trying anymore? That was the crux of the matter. Was he still willing to fight for a relationship that was founded on remarkable circumstances? A love that wasn't really there as both parties expected to drop dead at any given moment. 

_/But now I've got someone who cares for me, (yeah)_

_Wrote my name in silver sands/_

And now, Harry didn't know what to do. He and Draco Malfoy had mended their differences and Draco had been courting him. Flowers, gifts, hell, a bloody good time. The time the two spent together was always full of activities, laughter, jokes, or just talking. It was so wonderful to have the undivided attention of someone, without having to worry about depression or saying the wrong thing or over sensitivity. Draco was fun, devoted, young and outgoing, everything Sev was not. Draco cherished Harry and was trying to help Harry sort out his feelings over Sev. However, a certain bias towards his own cause always got in the way hence tonight's resolve to figure things out by himself. 

_/I think you know you've lost the love of your life_

_(you said) I was the best you've ever had_

_Because I'm in demand, (hey)/_

However, Harry knew no matter how sincere Draco seemed, there would always be a ghost standing next to them. Ron was the reason they became friends in the first place. When Ron was killed in the war, it finally came out that he and Draco had been lovers. Wracked with loss of a friend and of a lover, the two of them started talking, first crying on each other's shoulders, then sharing stories of Ron, bringing him alive again as both saw the side of Ron that the other previously hadn't had the chance to see. After a while, those talks about Ron turned to talks about themselves, and a friendship was born. Now, Draco felt that Harry was the best replacement for Ron. The rivalry he had with his old professor made the pot sweeter probably. For some reason, Draco had always felt that Sev has a little responsible for Ron's death. Sev didn't manage to tell Dumbledore in time that Voldemort was planning to attack the Weasleys. Perhaps part of Draco's attraction to him was that he would be taking him away from Sev. 

_/You're thinking of the way you should've of held my (hand)_

_And all the times you'd say you didn't understand_

_You never had our love written in your (plans)/_

And Sev, _*sigh*_ Sev, he was so withdrawn, every emotion had to be coaxed out of him. Harry knew that while sitting at home alone Sev wondered if Harry was going to come back to him. He prayed that Sev knew his mistakes, knew what he had missed out on. How many times had Sev stressed to him that he was not one for cuddling and lovey-dovey words? Mush and dreck, that's what Sev called it. Well, deep down Harry knew Sev realized that was what Harry needed, wanted, craved. After a childhood with no love and no one there for him, quiet affection was all Harry needed. But no, Sev had always protested he was not that type and Harry should go look elsewhere for that. Of course, now, as Sev sat in his chair alone waiting for him, perhaps he now understood better. That no matter how much Sev protested about not wanting or needing a relationship, they had one. 

_/But now I'm In Demand/_

And now, now, Harry was being fought over by two men…two strong willed men who wanted him for who he was. What could he do? What decision should he make? Who should he choose? For someone who was not wanted for most of his life, it was so confusing now to know he had a choice and didn't know where to begin in choosing. 

_/I never think you saw the best of me (ahh haa haa haa)_

_There's a side you'll never know/_

Both Draco and Sev knew different sides of him now. Sev saw him as a skinny, pathetic boy who needed comforting and shelter. Someone Sev had to protect. Draco, he saw the powerful savior of the wizarding world. The man who was best friends with Ron and who was confident and secure with his role in the world. Would either of them accept him if they saw all sides of him? Each and ever facet that makes up the man he is. Would they ever know? 

_/'Cos love and loving are two different things (ahh haa haa haa)/_

However, deep down, especially after all this thinking and soul searching, Harry knew the answer. Draco, Draco loved him as a tie to the man he truly loved. Oh yes, Draco was loving towards him. The times they had spent together proved there was a bond between them. But somehow, Harry knew that Draco didn't love him as a lover should. No. And Harry didn't want him to, not really. Draco was a reason to run away from the confusion he felt being with Sev. Seeing him sitting in that chair, not being able to stalk around like the man he had fallen in love with. Seeing him sitting there a shell of the formidable man who was so compelling. Harry had felt so guilty, so sad. He had felt like he had lost that Sev. 

_/Set your sights far too low/_

But now, now Harry knew he had set his sights too low. He should have been there for Sev. Helped him get back that confidence and make him stop wallowing. Harry needed to try harder and make Sev more involved with life again. It must be hard for such an active man to lose so much. From Head of Slytherin, Potion's Master, Death Eater, Order Spy, Sev suddenly lost all of that. Maybe it's the loss of identity, of not feeling needed again? Yes, Harry would return and try harder. Sev had sheltered him and helped him. Now it was Harry's turn to knock some sense into Sev. 

_/It's only when I fall asleep_

_I see that winning smile_

_When my dreams just move along/_

All his dreams made sense now. At least Harry understood he was not grasping at straws and trying to make a failing relationship last because of some misguided sense of guilt. No. Those dreams of seeing an older Sev smiling at him over a boiling cauldron, of lying in bed together, in each others arms... those dreams will come true. 

_/You've lost the race by miles/_

Now, all that was left to do was to tell Draco his final decision. Somehow, Harry knew that this wouldn't come as a shock to Draco. As if Draco knew Harry would never be able to give Sev up. 

_/Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah_

_Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah_

_Stay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah_

_Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah/_

Yes, it was time Harry returned to Sev. To his rooms and to his love. No more procrastinating. No more trying to run away. Time to face his love and make something out of it. It was time to stay. Inside Harry's heart, a strange feeling began to grow… a feeling of rightness, of belonging. Finally his heart knew where he really should be. All that was left to do was tie up some loose ends and that was it. Harry would resign from the Ministry and return to Hogwarts. Perhaps there might be a job there for him. If not, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that he and Sev were going to be together again. Finally. 

With his mind made up, Harry pulled over at the side of the road, got out of the car, and in a blink, disapparated back to Scotland. Back to Hogwarts. Not even caring that he left a brand new car behind him. Not bothering that he was leaving everything behind. All he cared was that he was _/in demand/_. That the man he loved was still with him and wanted him. That was all that mattered.


	3. Under Your Spell

**_Under your spell_**

Pairing: HP/SS

Rating: R

Warning: Slash, angst, M/M, Songfic

Disclaimer: All characters from Harry Potter belong to JK Rowling and Warner Brothers. I'm just an obsessed maniac who is also an insomniac thanks to the voices in her head. I don't own the song or the lyrics either. I'm not looking to make money out of this and am just slaying the bunnies that are multiplying in my brain. Trust me, if you try to sue me, it won't get you any money cos I'm dirt broke already!

Archived: ask please

Feedback: Desperately needed…

A/N: I heard this song on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and was hooked. Seriously, for whoever who has not heard the song before, go check it out. It is amazing. Written by Joss Whedon, the same guy who writes the Buffy episodes. Anyway, it was definitely what I was looking for to wrap up this triptych. Hope you all like it. I am very nervous about this one since it is a totally new style for me. I hope it turns up ok, especially the formatting. It might be a bit confusing and if so, let me know and I'll rearrange the formatting to make it more coherent. Huge thanks to Linda and Drusilla Dax for betaing. Also to all who reviewed and have read the fic. Thank you. I might consider doing a series on how they got together and all but it won't be songfics. I'm not too sure yet though. Anyways... Enjoy. And please, Read and Review. 

**&Severus Snape's POV&**

*Harry Potter's POV*

Normal POV 

_/Italics/_

As the fire flickers and casts it's shadows on the lone occupant, the dungeon wards glimmer slightly. Swiftly, the Potions master sits up straighter, turning his head slightly and casting a ghostly shadow of his profile on the far wall. His ebony black eyes sharpen their gaze, attempting to see through the ever widening crack of the opening door. He knew that special tingle of the wards. /_He/_ was back. His wait was over. Finally, the door opened fully to reveal the face, the eyes he yearned to see, even if he would never admit it to anyone. The look in the beloved eyes though, it was different. It took his breath away. He had not seen that look directed at him for a very long time. _/He/_ was home. Finally home, for good. No words needed to be spoken. No signs needed to be given. All that he had needed was that one look in _/his/_ eyes. It was going to be all right. His Harry had come back. 

Harry walked towards him, still not saying a word, just looking at him /_that_/ way. Intent, intense, as if he was the only thing worth seeing in the whole world. Strong arms encircled him and he was lifted up into a secure and loving embrace. Even then, no word had been spoken. A wave of a wrist and the radio came to life, a mellow tune began playing. Harry carried him into the bedroom, the sultry melody followed after them as the two men slowly were divested of their clothing and both lay in bed together. Touching each other, looking into each other's eyes, loving each other even as they both listened to the voice of the female singer croon out words that touched both of them. 

_/I lived my life in shadow,  
Never the sun on my face./_

**& For all my life, I have always been overlooked. In fact, I encouraged it most of the time, preferring to blend in and hide in the shadows till my time came. My parents taught me the old ways, children should be seen and not heard. It was a lesson I learned early and I learnt it well. As I grew older it became habit. Like I said, I had learnt young and my aversion to crowds and people grew as I grew older and saw as well as felt the true nature of people. I grew up very secluded, the only company I had was my tutor who was a very taciturn man, old and stern, agreeing with my parents that sparing the rod would spoil the child. I saw my parents only once a month for 'inspections'. When I started Hogwarts, I was taught by the infamous Marauders that my kind was expendable, and I didn't deserve to be in the company of decent people other than to play the fool. &**

*I can remember one day when I was only three. I remember having a nightmare, it was one I had had before, a dream that repeated over and over again throughout my life. There was a flash of green light and the sound of laughter, then this sense of flying and always when I woke up I would have this image of a hairy, face and a flying motorcycle. What made that particular nightmare so special was the fact that Dudley had one as well that night. He had eaten too many sweets just before dinner and he was crying so loudly, wailing and screaming for his mum and dad. I can still remember the pounding that took place upstairs as Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon ran as fast as they could to Dudley's room, and I peeked out of my cupboard to see them carry him downstairs, cuddling him and holding him, soothing him as best as they could and finally giving him some sweets. Before they went back upstairs, I crept back into bed and cried out as well. Crying out for my mum and dad, screaming just like Dudley did. You see, before this, whenever I had a nightmare and screamed out, they just pounded on the door and told me to shut up. Or stomped on the stairs heavily, shouting at me. I thought I must have been doing it wrong. That Dudley did something different from my cries before and so I imitated him as best as I could. Maybe that night they would hold me just like they did Dudley. Maybe I wouldn't be a freak anymore if I were more like Dudley. 

Vernon locked me in the cupboard for a week for crying so loudly and disturbing their poor Dudley. * 

_/It didn't seem so sad though,  
I figured that was my place./_

**& Yes, I was a Slytherin, I had ambitions to gain power and recognition, but most of all to gain knowledge. That didn't mean I wanted the limelight or the fame that came along with the power though. Oh no, I learnt my history and my politics better than any other Slytherin. Most of the time, the person who holds the most power is the man behind the scenes, the puppet master hidden by a velvet curtain of darkness manipulating and holding the reins. That was what I wanted. I fought my battles from the shadows, striking when least expected and leaving as little a trail as possible. It was all that was good enough for me. All I deserved. &**  
  
*I learnt that day. I took chances when I could afford to, stealing more food here and there, running away when Vernon and Petunia weren't around before Dudley could catch me. I thought that something within me was just not right, that I was the abnormal freak and I should take what they gave me. I mean I didn't really get hit that much. Just some smacks and cuffs when they were in a bad mood or Aunt Petunia would shake the frying pan at me, the worst was Dudley teasing me and getting me into trouble or his bouts of Harry hunting but, that was normal. For me at least. That was how I grew up. My formative years as psychoanalysts would say. * 

_ /Now I'm bathed in light,  
Something just isn't right./_

**& Now, I'm a hero, the spy who helped Harry Potter win the war. I am not as despised as I was before but people still fear me. Good. I liked it that way. What bothers me is that with Harry in my life, I am no longer in the shadows. His presence dispels all darkness from the vicinity. My fear is that of T. S. Eliot as he wrote it in his poem the Hollow Men. ** /_Eyes I dare not meet in dreams, In death's dream kingdom, These do not appear, There, the eyes are, Sunlight on a broken column/_ ** I fear he will one day wake up and see the broken man that I am, useless legs, dying neurons, aging faculties. A stone column that once stood proud and strong in the shadows is revealed in his light to be broken and decaying. &** **_  
_**   
*When I came to Hogwarts, well, people talked to me, were friends with me, gave me knowledge of my family, gave me things and love, treated me as if I was normal. But I knew it, I knew I wasn't normal. I was the freak. I couldn't really figure it out at first. Why were they giving me all this attention? I didn't have chores, no work other then what any normal child was expected to do, what was it I needed to do to repay them for taking me in? For putting up with my freakishness? It was only late in my first year that I figured it out. I was needed to kill Voldemort. That was why they treated me so nicely. Nothing so easy or mundane as everyday chores for Harry Potter, the freak extraordinaire. No. All the favours, all the wonders, it was for a bigger purpose. I was a freak after all. It was a total opposite of what I was used to with the Dursleys. There I was chucked into the cupboard, they were ashamed of me, and I had been hidden in the darkness to fester in my own abnormality. Here, I was thrust into the limelight, pushed out there like a shield they could hide behind. As long as Harry Potter was around, Voldemort couldn't touch the wizarding world, not really. I was their false sense of security, the puppet thrown out to the hordes, like a scarecrow is used to scare away the crows, I was stuffed with visions and thoughts that I was worthy and wonderful. The crows of the wizarding world were the Death-Eaters. Boo....* 

_ /I'm under your spell./_

**& And yet, I refuse to leave now before the hurt grows worse. Reflexes and walls I had spent years building up have crumbled and fallen at his feet, at one glance from his eyes. The entire wizarding world claims he is their saviour and is all-powerful because he rid the world of Voldemort. I call him my saviour and know he is all-powerful because he managed to trap the elusive beast that I am. &**

  
*Then came the lessons with you. The magic you taught me, the chastisement, the scolding. You didn't see me as a freak. You saw an obnoxious brat who like the other brats around him refused to study and work hard and instead preferred to focus on Quidditch. The hours you drilled me in protection, shields, it wasn't because you didn't want me to die before I served my purpose but because you didn't want me to die, full stop. As I learned the spells, I learned I was not a freak. At least not in your eyes. I was not famous, not a burden, only an annoying, irritating, lazy boy who needed to learn how to protect himself from the big bad enemy who's out for his blood. Literally. How did you do that? I have no idea. Years of conditioning, mental, emotional, physical, all destroyed in the flash of your black eyes as they glared at me. I was caught and ensorcelled. * 

_ /How else could it be,  
Anyone would notice me./_

**& Now, by his side I am welcomed into any home, anytime. I went from nearly being kissed by a Dementor to being kissed by Harry Potter. Sometimes I wonder which one is the better bargain and if I got the short end of the stick. A Dementor steals your soul with a kiss. Kissing Harry makes me give him my soul deliberately and whole-heartedly. Both have that ability as it is in their nature. Dementors definitely do not ask politely for their victims soul. They take it whenever possible. Harry, he doesn't even realize that he has my soul much less think that he might get it if he asks for it. &**

*It wasn't the magic spells that convinced me, nor the words that you said. No. It was the care and the love that shone through your eyes whenever I had done something stupid and vexed you so much. It was the emotion I seemed to spark within you, a man who by all accounts is heartless, incapable of human emotion. I mean, to me, it was an epiphany. If you, a man full of honour, full of respect, powerful and self sufficient, if you could love me, notice me, love me, that meant I was something. It meant that I wasn't the freak that I had thought I was. Why would someone so intelligent as you, someone so remarkable, love a freak? It couldn't be pity. No, you didn't do pity. And I knew you saw me as who I was and not the image others saw in my visage. No. I had to be something, someone, if I managed to make you love me. * 

_**/**It's magic I can tell.  
How you've set me free,  
Brought me out so easily./_

**& One thing though, after kissing a Dementor, you don't know anything anymore and are blissfully unaware. In the presence of a Dementor, all happiness is sucked out of you like the moisture from a prune. Harry, well, kissing Harry transports you to another world where bliss is absolute and all encompassing. His presence brings happiness, sappy and totally unlike me but like I said, it's magic. &**  
  
*Somehow, you, stern, greasy, ugly, old you managed to bring me out of my shell. You taught me not to hide my feelings or myself just because others expected differently of me. You showed me that I could be Harry, just Harry without worrying if anyone else would hate me or think that I was a freak. It was magic I tell you. A spell of some sort that you used to make me feel secure and safe in your arms, and in my own skin. * 

_ /I saw a world enchanted,  
Spirits and charms in the air./_

**& I saw this whole world filled with love. The magic and wonder a simple yet mysterious feeling can cause fascinated me. Love can make a person feel on top of the world. It makes people think anything and everything is possible. I saw people all around me falling in love, being loved, loving... Black and his wolfmate Lupin, Lily and Potter, the love of friendship between the 'marauders'... I can still remember the first time I saw love at work. Arriving at platform 9 and 3/4's and watching the parents crying, worrying, loving. Mine, well, my parents forgot I was leaving that day. My tutor gladly shipped me off though, he told me they were too busy to see me and that I shouldn't burden them with my presence. &**

*I remember when I first came to Hogwarts, no, when Hagrid first turned up at stone hut in the middle of the sea. I told him I was just Harry but he said no. I wasn't just Harry. I was Harry Potter and I wasn't a freak. I was someone special. That day turned into this new beginning for me. it showed me a world that I had only dreamed of before. A world where I was not considered a freak. Not abnormal but accepted. Of course all of that changed when I found out that I was a freak. Maybe not one people locked away in the cupboard but one where I could, was expected to destroy a Dark Lord and speak parseltongue and save the world. Still, I remember that day when I walked down Diagon Alley and saw the wonders of magic and wizardry. The spells being woven and the smell of potions in the air. That was special. * 

_  
/I always took for granted,  
I was the only one there./_

**& It was because I saw the strange emotion people call love all around me and yet couldn't feel it, would never experience it, I believed that I didn't deserve it. It was as if I was standing inside a sphere, in a separate world of my own where no one could love me and I would never know anyone well enough to love, to ever be so audacious as to presume to love anyone and torture them with my presence. I didn't need it. I had lived for so long without love and yet was still breathing. No one cared or even thought about it. I needed only me to subsist. &**

*I thought that I had lost that day forever. I thought that I was not going to be able to appreciate that wonder and that enchantment properly ever again because I was once more, a freak. Everyone around me was able to play, and be children, to learn and make mistakes. My mistakes could cause the destruction of the world and were too expensive to be carelessly made. No. I had to grow up alone from my friends. And I was alone. No one else understood. That it was not a blessing to have the fame or the power. It was a curse. * 

_  
/But your powers shone,  
Brighter than any I'd known./_

**& And yet, the day you came into my rooms, demanding to be taught, weakened by the nightly tortures you faced in the throes of sleep, that's when the power of your magic managed to crack the sphere of coldness surrounding me. It was as if I had been in darkness all my life but time spent with you, learning you, being with you, you shone through and became my light. My sun. It was as if the black hole of my soul suddenly exploded and became the galaxy which orbits around your star. &**  
  
*You saw it though. You saw the curse and you thought you had to teach me that it was not something to play around with but carried with great responsibility. Like a burden. You saw it and you tried to teach me. I know. I saw your understanding during those sessions we had training. During the talks and the glares and the tirades about my ineptitude. That helped. It helped when I knew that you understood and you would help me learn and grow and help me shoulder this burden I was laden with when I was only fifteen months old. You were the light at the end of the tunnel, the carrot at the end of the stick which I fought for. Struggled to reach and gain. My reward, my light. * 

_ /I'm under your spell/_

**& Yes, your magic, your aura, you cast something on me that day and everyday ever after. I am tied to you, forever...&**  


*You granted me insight into magic and by doing so ensorcelled me with chains around my heart and soul. Tying me to you, making me crave that look in your eyes, your approval, your understanding, your love. Potions master, you are a potion yourself. A love potion that I am addicted to. * 

_/Nothing I can do,  
You just took my soul with you./_

**& There is nothing I can do to break the ties, nothing I want to do. Like iron to the strongest magnet, wherever you are, my soul is. Impossible to separate, impossible to prevent. &**

*I cannot help myself. I tried to break away. That was what Draco was. I tried to find someone else, to fight it, to not give in. I told myself countless lies, half truths. Saying that I didn't need you. That you and I were over, just like the war. I kept leaving on missions, taking long missions just to fight harder, to get further away. But how far can a person go without their heart? Their soul? Like a trained pet I kept returning. Unable to help myself and stop the compulsion. I am yours. * 

  
_ /You worked your charm so well,  
Finally I knew everything I dreamed was true,  
you make me believe./_

**& It took me so long to believe that it had really happened to me. That I had really fallen in love. All my life, no matter how many times I told myself I would never be able to, I still dreamed of it. Knowing that something is out of your reach is not the same as not wanting it still, not hoping, wishing, dreaming, yearning for it. My mind and mental faculties have always been organized and controlled. My heart however, and the elusive part of me they call my sub-conscious, those have always been out of my control. I had been able to suppress but never fully snuff out. And then, one day, you came to me and somehow, you managed to make me believe that I could love and be loved. Seeing you standing there at the door, seeing the love in your eyes, calling out to me, drawing me in. Yes...&**  
  
*I remember reading this sonnet by Shakespeare in one of Dudley's books when I was locked in the bedroom one summer. It moved me deeply and struck a chord within me, my idea of love stems from it. It made me wish, properly down on my knees and beg type of wish, to one day find that kind of love. To feel it and to have someone love me like that. Even while wishing though, I doubted ever being able to find love like that. Not ever being worthy. Who could ever love a freak like me? You made me believe though. You and that sonnet. It goes something like **_/My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun,/ _**and continues on listing all the imperfections of his love. It was the ending couplet which tore it all apart. **_/And yet by heaven, I think my love as rare, As any she belied with false compare/ _**The ability to love to me, is not seeing someone for all that is good and perfect but seeing someone with all their flaws and imperfections and yet finding love in those flaws, loving them because of the flaws and not in spite of them. To me, that is love and whenever I see Severus, it feels as if Shakespeare had his own Severus about whom the poem was written about. I see him whenever I read the sonnet or think about it. I kind of like the connotation. My mistress. My dark mistress. Yes... I see those flaws shining out to me whenever I look at you and I just want to drown in them. Moreover, I know you see my flaws, my Gryffindorness as you call it. And you love me and cherish me for it. *   


_ /The moon to the tide,/_

**& Just as the moon pulls the tide and attracts it, so your love, your eyes, your breath, your very essence calls to me, pulling me into you and you into me. It is natural, entirely uncontrollable, inevitable and constant. It is us. &**  


*I used to stare up at the moon at night. Especially my first few years at Hogwarts. It felt so different, so good to be able to look out the window and see the stars and the night instead of the dusty cobwebs that lined the bottom of the stairs in my cupboard. And when I found out about Voldemort and the war as well as my role in it, I told myself it was destiny. And that I couldn't change it, just like the tide is unchanging. I think our love is like that too. The first time I saw you and got that tingle in my scar. It was like destiny was telling me that you were the one for me. The other half. * 

_/I can feel you inside./_

**& As I lie under you, feeling you moving within me, I feel every atom of you melting with mine, bonding, merging, we are one. Our essence mixing together, forming anew, combined forever. Yes, move... harder... faster... join us... inside....&**  


*You are apart of me. The lessons you taught me over the years, the emotions you evoke in me, a scent, look, touch, sound. Every time I see something, hear something, it all reminds me of you. I live and breathe you. You are not an extension of me. You are me. Just like I am you. It is as if all I am is a shell, a skin worn by you. Your soul at least. I'm Severus Snape wearing a Harry-coat. Weird, but it describes what I am feeling. You were there for such a large part of my life, played such a huge role. You were my teacher, Potions master, protector, friend, lover, enemy, spy, traitor, supporter, mentor. All pivotal roles in my life and you were there when I needed it the most. You shaped me into what I am today. And I feel you inside of me, everyday, all the time. * 

_   
/I'm under your spell.  
Surging like the sea,/_

**& Yes... I can feel my blood boiling, roiling, my cells calling out to you, rising up, surging... Yessss.... I hit the peak and am stranded there for an impossible infinity. &**  


*And the rhythm we fall into now as I slowly move within you, as constant and as real as the tide of the ocean. * 

_/Floating here so helplessly./_

**& And then the moment was lost, I was falling, floating, drifting slowly back to solid ground. And yet that was not the end of it. Submerged in the waters of your love I was swept up in the current, rising again to the peaks, then floating, falling....&**

*With you I feel as if I'm flying without a broom. Floating in the air as we move together, raw, unstoppable and eternal. * 

  
_ /I break with every swell./_

**& The wonder of it all was so profound I did something I hadn't done for a very long time. I cried. Tears slowly tracked down my lined face as I crested the wave again and again. Amazing... wondrous.... There were no words to describe it...&**

*And yes... I... melding with you, cumming in you... yess.... oh it feels as if you break me and then put me back together again... splitting me up into tiny little atoms and rearranging it all together again to form a better me, to form an us....yess.....* 

  
_ /Lost in ecstasy,  
Spread beneath my willow tree./_

**& For once I was lost, my reasoning, my good sense, all floated away from me... My mind shut down and I gave up fighting. No more fears, no more sorrow, all washed away by your loving. Just as the Whomping Willow protected Remus's secret and gave him a place where he could transform in safety, you are my willow tree, allowing me to be myself and be safe, loved, protected. &**  


*Oh yes.... The little death they call it..... Dying in your arms nightly, forever more. You are my willow tree, the tree of enchantment, symbolizing birth and death. Killing me and reviving me all in the same act of love. Yes.... My Severus... my love.... * 

_/You make me complete.   
You make me complete.  
You make me complete.  
You make me complete./  
_

**& I finally understand it all. You complete me. As corny, as cliché, as Gryffindor as it sounds, you are the other half of me, and when you are with me, we are finally joined so much so not even a crack can be seen. No imperfections, no irregularities, nothing. Just sheer perfection and completely natural. Us. Together. Forever. No longer separated.&**

*No more absences, no more long missions. I won't leave your side again for a long, long time. You are me as much as I am me. I know, incoherent and ineloquent as usual but it works. It's me, and it's you. It's us. The part of me that was missing and yearning to be found was you and now, we are as one. Complete, together, forever. *

Both men finished their lovemaking, not a word having been said even after all of that, the only noises made throughout it all were unintelligible, grunts and moans, cries and sobs, incoherent mumblings and screams. All that needed to be said was said with their eyes, green staring into black the whole time, never looking away, never closing till now. Sated, they spooned together all worries of the future quelled and forgotten. Severus Snape and Harry Potter fell asleep, letting slumber bring the new day closer, the dawn of their new life and love beginning. 

The End 


End file.
